Optus, the masochist's choice: how I wasted 14 months and $200+ waiting for Optus to deliver an unpolished crap – In October 2020, my household and I gained a confirmation that we'd found a new house to rent, a few suburbs away, in eastern Melbourne. This is the tale of the colossal treachery that Optus put us through, and a straight up Grimms Brothers tier cautionary tale against anyone thinking of going with Optus!!!

So, firstly, some backstory. When I moved from cable to the NBN, as Optus asked me to do via emails and letters, they proceeded to set it up as a new service, and tried to bill me for both accounts - August 2019. I ended up spending my 27th Birthday in an Optus Store, seeking their help to fix it - yes, it did take hours - as well as my birthday anniversary exactly a month later, doing the same thing again, given they actually didn't solve the issue, they just lied and said they had, and I got a letter threatening me with debt collection for money that I fundamentally did not owe anyone. Oh, also, to add a nice little touch, the NBN plan that they put me on was not even the one that I had asked to sign up for. But, it was anything, and by golly I wasn't going back into the godforsaken store, or endless wait times online/on the phone, and I just figured 'stuff it, it's anything!'

For the first 13 months of my 24-month NBN contract with Optus, I would estimate that the number of days that we had literally no internet service provided would be at least a full month - the last two weeks we had no internet alone - as well as at least another month of intermittent/choppy internet. Despite multiple hours on the phones, or in the MyOptus app, the problems never seemed to be resolved. Two different NBN technicians were summoned by Optus, who provided a full hardware check and replaced the NBN box each time, both times stating simply that there was no indication of an issue at the NBN end. Two different Optus technicians came out, replacing the two routers that we used across the life of our account in Malvern East; they and another technician came out to confirm that the issues were at Optus' end, not the NBN end. So, all up, five different people were summoned to help us, yet none could ultimately get us what we needed - especially in this year of working from home - an internet connection, because they were hamstrung by the catastrophic nightmare of an ISP that is Optus. The number of connections that I made online, to the help-line/customer support team honestly felt more stable and constant than our connection itself.

I had staff telling me that it was just an issue with the Wi-Fi and that we should play around with the Wi-Fi settings at least 4 times, despite me - each time - asking them to explain why that would explain LAN drop-outs. In July 2020, I was told that Optus would be sending me a technician, who ultimately never showed up - yes, all the other techies I mentioned came within the first 11 months. We waited, and waited, just dealing with the choppy, if choppy, internet, for all of August, September and October, as we were house-hunting anyway, and perhaps it was the house, not Optus, that was causing the choppiness - though we could never know, as Optus never sent a technician. We had some luck house-hunting, and were moving well away from Malvern East, into the City of Whitehorse, NBN nodes and kilometres away.

Before we get onto the move, and Optus' support during it, I want to explain why we even bothered to bring them with us. Money. Optus threatened expensive cancellation fees for ending the contract before the 24 months had passed, and with the recession biting, and money tight for housemates in their 20s, we couldn't really risk it - though I was already looking forward to August 2021 as a sort of Independence Day event, where I could throw off the shackles of Optus quickly and easily, free of charge, and as Gandalf says to Theoden, I could "breathe the free air again!" So, that's why we engaged with Optus' moving team.

The theory is simple, connection at House A is cancelled, and activated at House B. NBN connections existed at both ends, Optus confirmed that all we needed to do was take the hardware from House A to House B, and they'd charge us $400 for it. I asked why, online, given we're taking the hardware, and they admitted it was only for new accounts, as that was the cost of the technician and NBN box or something. So, after chatting with them, they confirmed that the $400 dollars was no longer part of my estimated fee, and that I would get to connect basically as soon as I plugged in, and my NBN Connection Expert - aka my Case Manager - would set things up for me. I confirmed, then, that by hardware, they meant EVERYTHING, NBN box, modem/router, cables, etc. YES.

A few days later, I get a call from someone, who refused to explain what they were other than that they needed all my contact details and personal information, so they could start being my Optus helper. Now, call me paranoid, but getting a cold-call person, claiming to be from Optus, calling from interstate, without warning, really didn't seem like a risk worth taking, and felt a lot like a scam. Confirming that vibe was their unwillingness to tell me what their job entailed, citing privacy reasons unless I gave my private details. All that I asked for was a general description of the job, excluding all personal details like address, name, account number etc, just a description of how THEY could help. They literally didn't even tell me how they would be able to assist my NBN connection, they didn't say they'd turn it on, didn't say anything because without my details, they weren't authorised to do anything. Keep in mind that a general explanation of their role having literally no privacy risk for me, and hence logically not even remotely needing all my details. They encouraged me to contact Optus to confirm their identity, and it turns out that I'd been too careful, they were indeed my Case Manager - though again, the way they handled their call made it seem about as trustworthy as an email from a Nigerian Prince who wanted you, yes you, to be their heir, for no reason. I contacted Optus asking when they'd get onto me, and was told 'tomorrow.' Four-days passed until I got a call from my Case Manager, that I unfortunately missed as I was in a Zoom call. I followed their message's instructions, and asked them to call back. That was the last time I ever heard anything from them.

Now, I mentioned it took 4 days to hear from my Case Manager. Well, over that period was the weekend in which we moved - having asked to the move to be processed over a week prior, having it confirmed that the internet could just be turned on when we arrived. They wouldn't need to send a technician, even though I asked for one - just to be safe - because why would they need to send one when this process was so simply, so perfect, that it couldn't possibly go wrong!?

So, we were in the new house, without internet, and just waiting on the connection - all the hardware set up nicely. I checked in with MyOptus, and was told it should be happening soon.

Nothing.

I checked MyOptus again, got put through to a different connection expert - not my Case Manager, who seemed to have disapparated - who confirmed that they could turn everything on, and it would only take a half an hour to a couple of hours to turn on. Perfect, I was excited. Finally, after the exhaustion of the move, we would have internet, and be able to watch new episodes of the Baby Yoda (aka The Mandalorian), and of course Aunty Donna's new Netflix show (itself a 5-star super show, if you've made it this far, treat yourself to some Aunty Donna!!!). Hours passed, nothing happened, except that the internet light on the box now showed up red.

The next day, I called Optus again, and was told exactly the same thing. It would turn on in a few hours and be ready for me. I checked with them, given I'd been through this rodeo already, and they said - and I quote - "the longest time that I can advise you is 24 hours." Not, 'it'll be at most 24 hours' but that it could be longer, they just weren't allowed to admit it. So, awesome, nice to know they couldn't estimate it for me, especially 24 hours after I was told to wait 0.5-2 hours. I told them the router/modem had been having issues in the past weeks before the move, and asked them to organise an in-person technician. No dice! Not until I had home installed things, as approved by my Case Manager, could they begin to seek technicians.

Then, suddenly and my call was interrupted... ...Ok so this time was indeed my bad, my fat cheek hit the end-call button on my phone - and I called Optus' NBN support back again.

Same day, new 'helper' - still no sign of my Case Manager. This chap was confident, he confirmed that the light would turn green in a few hours. I asked him how, given the modem/router that we had literally had no green lights in it, with lights either white or red or off, with flashing being used to differentiate the various things. No no, you see, it would turn Green in a few hours. Clearly old mate muggins on the line was literally ignoring me, and when they started on the whole "the longest time that I can advise you is 24 hours" routine, I made up my mind. I was going to get onto Optus' cancellations team and free myself from this wicked cage of lies and incompetence.

Cancellation team was fine, they tried to encourage me to stay with free months of internet, and to just wait things out. Now, after such a long period of loathing Optus, I apologised to them, and politely said no - they were just doing their job, but there was more chance of them having Excalibur tossed to them by a watery tart and them ruling over Camelot, than there was me agreeing to even a month of waiting with Optus and their ISP service from hell. It turns out, however, that they did not do such a great job, not of their own fault, but as a result of Optus having absolutely no synergy.

Alongside this, I sought out a new ISP and settled on Aussie Broadband (hereafter AB), the review for which I will do soon. The other reviews here won me over, their network included a nearby node so the speeds would remain higher, and one of the Optus technicians themselves straight up said 'mate, for half this amount you could get the same speeds with Aussie Broadband' way back in May! Do your own research, if they're right for you, great, if not, fine, just know this Titanic proportioned disaster of a story with Optus is only just nearing the final act!

This all brings me, finally, to today (yay)

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Today began with me just clarifying the last few details with AB via their very helpful chat people, and creating an account and requesting a new service at my house. Within an hour of this, I got a call through from a lady at AB, who had been processing my account.

So I learned two wonderful things, today, from the very helpful folks at AB.

Firstly, it turns out that Optus hadn't cancelled anything at the NBN Co end, so AB couldn't proceed with a new account yet, as NBN Co thought Optus were still wanting a connection. Secondly, NBN boxes are location locked by NBN Co, and so even with the box connected as Optus indicated, there was literally no way that it would work, nor could AB work with my existing hardware. Between the box and Optus' failure to advise NBN Co of the cancellation, there was no possible way for me to have ANY new ISP take things over right away.

The lady from AB and I shared laughs, as we discussed the incompetence of Optus, and as she explained exactly how, step-by-step, Optus had failed, and while I was shattered by the wasted time and energy I'd sunk into Optus in the past few weeks (and would have to sink thanks to the future impacts of their failings), I was thankfully that AB had done such a good and thorough job to connect me, within an hour! The lady on the phone told me to call Optus, double check they'd got onto the NBN Co - us both knowing full well they hadn't - and try to at least save ourselves whatever length of time it would take for Optus to uncover their mistake.

SoI had to call Optus to make them cancel things. Again I was told to speak with my Case Manager, who by now I am certain was rarer than a shiny Mew. Could they transfer me to my Case Manager? NO! Don't be ridiculous! Why would a call-centre that I was instructed to reach a person on be able to transfer me to said person! Oh what a fool I was for expecting such obvious and necessary features from Optus, who continued to simultaneously dampen my spirits with the doom they'd caused, while brightening my spirits in the knowledge that now, finally, it was only - if tedious - temporary doom.

To the call - technically two calls, as for the first call they didn't realise I'd cancelled my order, despite being the company that I cancelled it to, and they said they'd get my Case Manager to call me back. I figured there's no point correcting them, and I'd see if they could urgently send a technician, to at least bring the new NBN box, so that I may at least be connected a day sooner than AB could do, simply on the limits set before AB that I mentioned. As you may be ready for, dear reader, my Case Manager didn't call me back, but the person I had just been speaking to did call me back to ask - 'hey, did you realise you cancelled yesterday?' Dang! I guess even Optus can be right once a day, and they saw through my attempt to get anything efficient out of this clusterfuck.

So, I went straight to the point. "Can you confirm that the order is cancelled with NBN Co.?"

Optus confirmed that it was cancelled ... for 10 minutes. Then, 11 minutes in, and actually bothering to look, they said wait - I kid you not right as my finger approached my phone to hang-up. At the death, and after multiple days and hours of rigmarole enough to inspire this 3400+ word 'Screw Optus' saga, and realistically after months, at this late hour, the chap said "wait, I can see it hasn't been cancelled with NBN Co.! I will do that now, it could take up to 24 hours." It had been 20 hours since I cancelled my Optus NBN account, at this point. So, despite my utter joy at the realisation that like Dobby, Optus had now given me a sock and I was free, I couldn't help but think that realistically I should have been able to at least have AB start their side of things within 4 hours, which was within their working day! But hey, a free house elf is a free house elf! I was free! Like an Orca liberated by some gumptious teens, I was free!

I called AB, advising them that I had called Optus, and asking them to just keep me in the loop as best they could and had another great chat with someone on their phones, the line for which took next to no time to clear. Sadly, given the previous occupant of this house had also made the same mistake as me, and taken their NBN box, I'd need to wait the week it would take AB to mail it to me - they explained that even though they'd mail it express post, covid restrictions had impacted them in the past, and with the weekend, it'd possibly take up to a week. Sure it's a delay, but it was honest and informative information, that was justified. They also warned that as it was an HFC connection, they might need to send a technician out, which could take at least a week - again, with Covid, I was not surprised by this. Frustratingly though, it reminded me of the weeks that Optus refused to send a technician, who may at least have been able to bring the new NBN Box, and save me a further 1-3 weeks of hotspotting.

Now, the last little tid-bit and why I mentioned the $200+ up top: Hotspotting!

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During the last 5-weeks, with no internet at the first house, nor at the second, my housemates and I have all been forced to hot-spot for our jobs. With covid, and working from home remaining the norm in Melbourne for any job that allows it, we were all using out data 5-days a week, at least 8 hrs a day, for now 4.5 weeks (at the end of tomorrow, it will be exactly 5 weeks of hotspotting). Now, as you may all be aware, going over your data with telcos is like asking to be ball-stomped in a German BDSM club - it hurts!

So, together we have already accumulated over $200 of hotspotting costs, with potentially another few weeks worth to deal with - something that I in no way hold AB responsible for, given so far they have been on the ball 100%, and Covid does genuinely hinder their speed, alongside the aforementioned nightmare that has been Optus. I anticipate that we will probably end up paying $300-400 to just do our jobs, as a result of Optus being unable to do theirs.

Oh, and I did ask to be reimbursed, and Optus said they couldn't. I am too tired, and it's not too hot and Summery, for me to be asses suing, so GG Optus, you won that point. I am instead going to just bite this rather expensive bullet, simply comforted in the knowledge that it will be the last bullet Optus ever shoots my way.

Consider this cautionary tale my $300 worth, as I sincerely hope that it costs Optus potentially thousands of dollars in revenue if even ONE PERSON fails to join their exorbitant rort of a 24-month plan.

To all the Optus staff, I sincerely hope you can find greener pastures, as the policy and procedure framework surrounding each and every one of you is straight up insane, broken, and impervious to even basic functions. To anyone speaking with Optus staff, remember it's not their fault! They can't individually fix the problems, anymore than a single ant could save their Tuvalu-based anthill from being flooded by the inevitable rise of the Pacific thanks to climate change.

For anyone contemplating leaving Optus, trust me that the decision is absolutely the right one, and will leave you feeling like Sam, lying there next to Frodo at the end of all things, saying simply: "It's over, we won!"

As for Aussie Broadband, who I'll review in the coming weeks, I want to say thank you! You have LITERALLY done a better job at being Optus' customer support than Optus' staff, and I am looking forward to the move. To all you out there, I cannot yet in good conscience tell you to pick AB as an ISP, given I don't have internet with them, and for all I know every single other ISP/TELCO will be better than Optus (except Telstra, who somehow manage to offer even worse deals to their customers, and whose efforts to save Foxtel helped cripple the NBN that Australia deserved. Screw Telstra). So go and look at whichever ISP suits you best, be it Aussie Broadband, or some other telco, but just for the love of God, Gods, Darwin, and everything in between Do not subject yourself to the utter torture and pain that is optus!!!

Again, unless you are a true masochist, do not subject yourself to optus!!! Just don't take the risk!!!